Next-gen iPhone apps

WARNING – KEEP PRIVATE – DO NOT PUBLISH YET

Marketing notes for current series
REVISION: 01 – 20/05/2014
REVISION: 02 – 31/10/2014
REVISION: 03 – 30/11/2014

*** RC2.1 ***  (just managed to squeeze this one out before the deadline)
Our Unique i-Shat medical app invention rates your poo by actual analysis.
Weight, colour, and consistency are all tested, and your health updates can be posted immediately to social media.
Now totally Bristolian standards compliant, and uses our (patent-pending) poolian prototype, faecal-finder, for the firmest facts and statistics.

Activate the i-Shat app and place the phone on the floor or toilet seat.
Make sure you can see yourself on screen, so you can align yourself correctly (you wouldn’t want to miss).
Poo on the phone and wait for the result.
Once the phone senses something touching it, it takes a photo, and splashes the results on the site of your choice.
Now you are guaranteed to have a regular talking-point of a profile pic.
Some sites may allow you to make it sticky, so it always floats on top.

Notes:
Depending on which way the phone is round, people may at first think you are spitting gravy at the camera, and have injured your nose, but once they rotate the screen we are sure they’ll work it out.
Some types of poo have been know to cause a reaction. Please check with your Apple suppler to see if it is compatible with nuts.

 i-Mechanic-and-Electrical-Tool

*** Tool 01: Beta3 ***

If your car oil meter is broken or defective, you can place your dip-stick on the iPhone screen and set the min and max oil level.
Choose your model of car and type of oil from the scrolling menu.
Then point at where the oil is on the ruler on-screen.
It will then tell you if you need to put more oil in the car.

Note: Defective dip-sticks are beyond the scope of this tool.

*** Tool 02: RC1 ***

You can test your car battery by taking your jump-leads and attaching them at opposite ends of your iPhone, as far on to the screen as possible.
You may need to wiggle the clips to get a good contact with the conductive parts of the phone.
If you have a good battery and a good contact, you should see your iPone light-up after a few seconds.
The healthier your battery, the brighter your iPhone will glow.

New Bonus feature
A brand new fully charged car battery will be signified by an impressive 3D firework effect, including coloured smoke and shower of sparkles.

*** Tool 03: alpha5.1 *** (still problems)

Need to get under the car to do some work ? Can’t be bothered with that heavy, clumsy, oily, iron-aged jack ?
Set the easy to read scale to the required height, and place in front or behind a wheel.
Once the app detects you are safely on top, it should gently start to raise.
It may take a few attempts to locate the tire squarely, so try again from a few angles.

Operating notes:
For best and safest results, this app should always be operated on a firm grippy surface.
If you find the iPhone keeps slipping, try relocating to somewhere more textured.
Asphalt is usually more effective than smooth concrete.
If you have problems activating it, try turning the iPhone the other way up, it works just the same.

Some users say they get better results if they turn the steering wheel back and forth a few times (power-steering helps).
If you have tried all these methods and it still will not function, then your iPhone may have developed a slight fault.
Take it to an Apple store with a photo of your tire (showing the tread pattern), and explain all the steps you used so far.

Note:
This is still a brand new app, so you may have to ask your friends or the Apple support if they know it by the shorter name.
Ask them “Do you know i-M.E.Tool ?

 

WARNING – KEEP PRIVATE – DO NOT PUBLISH YET

Ageing techno-hippy armed with a radio show and not afraid to use it.

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